'this grudge'

for some reason, something that has fairly recently happened to me hit me like a ton of bricks today. i felt anger, disappointment, depression, and just overall pissy-ness at one particular person who said some hurtful things. then, like a Godsend, the following song began playing in my car. as i listened, i was reminded of myself and of the fact that by holding this grudge i am only hurting myself. then, i began thinking about all the things that people have done to me or said to me in the past that i still hold on to. why? for what purpose does it hold? i'm not sure about much right now, but i am sure that the person and what they did that is making me feel this way are in no way worth any feelings (good or bad) from me and i am wasting only my own time by worrying about them and how they have made me feel. it's time to stop this vicious cycle. i cannot and will not ever forget what the past has brought me but i can let go. i'm working on that now.

Fourteen years
Thirty minutes
Fifteen seconds I've
Held this grudge

Eleven songs
Four full journals
Thoughts of punishment
I've expended

Not in contact
Not a letter
Such communication
Telepathic
You've been vilified
Used as fodder
You deserve a piece
Of every record

But who's it hurting now?
Who's the one that's stuck?
Who's it torturing now
With an antique knot in her stomach?

I want to be big and let go
Of this grudge that's grown old
All this time I've not known
How to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
Clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us

Like an abandoned house
Dusty covered
Furniture
Still intact
If I visit it now
Will I simply re-live it
Somehow gratuitous

But who's still aching now?
Who's tired of her own voice?
Who is it weighing down
With no gift from time of said healing

I want to be big and let go
Of this grudge that's grown old
All this time I've not known
How to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
Clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us

Maybe as I cut the cord
Veils will lift from my eyes
Maybe as I lay this to rest
Dead weight off my shoulders will rise

Here I sit
Much determined
Ever ill-equipped
To draw this curtain
How this has entertained
Validated
And has served me well
Ever the victim

But who's done whining now?
Who's ready to put down
This load I've carried longer than I had cared to remember

I want to be big and let go
Of this grudge that's grown old
For the life of me
I've not known
How to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
Clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us.

~ Alanis Morissette, 'This Grudge'